January 2020, another manic phase forces me to be hospitalised. I panick in the ambulance, the sirene is too loud. They give me a pill. I am numb. When I meet the doctor there, I recognise her even though she must have lost 30 kg. She was my colleague at the psychiatric hospital where i work. She asked if it is a problem for me. I say no but i was not too confortable. She tells me i am not bipolar and i should follow a keto diet to help with my mood swings instead of taking lithium. So does that mean that i am not bipolar anymore? I have been taking lithium for nothing? I leave the hospital with hope and half of my usual prescription requirement. I feel on top of the world and i quit my meds altogether. I feel intensely alive, creative and confident. I go to work and talk to everyone without filters. Then confusion takes over i don t know who i am anymore, my colleagues try to talk to me. I decompensate in session worrying all my patients. The same day I am hospitalised again in a different clinic which gave me the usual treatment i have been taking for 10 year. I guess i am still bipolar after all.
