I heard the other day that studies showed that people suffering from bp are all intelligent above average. The degree of intelligence provides also a set of higher or more ressources available to the person compared to the norm. So i guess that could explain how i manage to keep a somewhat “normal” life despite my manic phases and still be able to work full time and have a couple of long term relationships. Resiliency is the key word. But it is costly in terms of energy spent at keeping myself together and it does not take away my feelings of being an imposteur at work and my fear of being judged as wierd, dangerous, abnormal… assuming being different is what i am working on. Assuming being highly traumatized, sensitive, empathic, insecure, creative, imaginative, intuitive, emotionnally intense and unstable but with a high hability to control myself through my determined strong, adaptative mind.

It as been a while since I wrote. I was lost in an big emotional and existential chaos and it was very painful. Slowly but surely i am coming back to a grounding place which does not look like a depressed nor manic phase but with a feeling of aliveness nonetheless. Today my new psy lent me a comic book about bipolar disorder. I was very hesitant to read it at first because i still have a hard time accepting the diagnosis but I gave it a try. What I read was enlightening and inspiring!!!! The words and the images spoke to me in a way that no psychology books nor videos did! Finally someone with bp experience and artistic talent was able to convey with simplicty, humour and poise an essential part of the tourmented me and atypical life. Its written in french: “Goupil ou face” from Lou Lubie.

A life purpose in order to find some kind of balance within your mind heart and soul.

Once you have been diagnosed BP, you are never free from the diagnosis. If you show any signs of unusual behaviors, the world will associate it to the diagnosis. Sometimes its true. Sometimes its not. I have been taking medication because my husband believes am going manic. My psy is not sure but prefer i do take my meds just in case. So i did, but deep down, i am not convinced. Sometimes its easier to reassure the entourage than trusting yourself but what if the caregivers are wrong?

Sometimes, I miss my manic phases not full blown but on the way. WhY? Because life is much more interesting! I feel alive, connected, creative, self confident. The whole reality is magic! Everything is possible, no fear anymore, a feeling of pure love for everyone. FREEDOM Everyone seems to be attracted to you as well. You are incredibly inspired and creative. Manic phases or hypomanic phases are addictive, everyone who is bipolar will tell you this. Once you are out of theses phases like I am now, life is boring, dull and rare are the moments of aliveness and intense connections. So maybe I should start taking drugs.? 😉 just kidding. Am already on drugs but to stabilize my moods not exhilirating them.

I would like to clear this up. I am not bipolar, I have bipolar which means that i am not my illness. It’s a part of me but it does not define me. We tend to define ourselves in terms image, possessions, gender, age, status, money, culture, beliefs, patterns, 3ostly how  people view us according to their lense of conditioning but at core we are all human experiencing life from birth to death, with its pains and its joys. The rest are relative additions or substractions to our core self. We do need definitions to organize and make sense of our reality, the problem is it is also these definitions that become identifications and is such will limit ourselves and make us suffer soon or later because no matter what, life does not garantie you with an everlasting of all these things, you can lose your health, your home, relationships, job, money…you have one life, one body, one brain and then “poof”you will dissapear. So while you are on earth, why not make the best of it and let go some of that drama about who is the smartest, prettiest, victimest, spiritualiest, richest and so on? How about being the best human being you can be from your stand which means dedicate your life work to contribute to a conscious caring Earth where egos “the me’s” are not dominating.

I work in a place (mental health hospital) where values such as non judgment, confidentiality, compassion and benevolence are promoted. Truth is, it only applies to patients not employees. I have seen a mental unhealthy environment in a mental health setting. People can be self serving, mean and manipulating, power hungry and mobbing whoever threatens their ego. I guess we are all humans but you would think that people who are paid to care should actually know how to do it among themselves if its their speciality. Ok they are a few exceptions but not that many. Being both a patient and a therapist i get to see both worlds. As a patient I spent 4 different stays in 4 different hospitals. Most of the staff showed care, non judment and compassion even though they tended to overmedicate and were not always available when needed. As a therapist, i work with a staff that can show compassion to their patients but show no hesitation in stabbing someone’s back to advance their career. This questions the idea of integrity and ethics for me and it is the reason why my coming out as a bipolar working art therapist is being difficult because I know my colleagues will judge not only from a human point of view but from a medical professional stand. So when I look in my collegues eyes the ones who are aware of my situation I always wonder what they see : a diagnostic? an underdog? Someone to feel sorry for? To save? To protect? To fire? or just another human being equal to them? The truth is we are all equal at base but we identify with status, roles, race, age and so on and then we segregate and discriminate.

This is what i told my psychiatrist last year after my last manic episode. “You are scaring me Madame” he said looking me as if i was completely delusional. Thank you C… for believing in me! So i prouved him wrong when i controlled 3 possible manic phases 6 months later, meaning i managed to take the pills before it became a disaster: delusion of grandeur, a new potential lover and another 10 days in my pj with my new best psychotic friends. I don’t know for sure what helped stop the manic phases from happening but these are the things i have changed in my life since last year: i have been meditating everyday, taking more breaks at work, paying more attention to first signs of vulnerability. I have been doing lots of art and journal writing to express and release my emotions and i express my feelings more freely towards people now. I even change my eating habits but not follow the keto diet. 😉